Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

HELP 😭

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.