Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
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Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?