Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

ㅤ

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”