Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

😂😂

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.