Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worlds greatest photobomb

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!

me: you know that’s not true, Patsy

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

buys donuts instead

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.