Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.