Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need