Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
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I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in