Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
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my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
was Jim off killing horses or…
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Finally, an explanation.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
It was worth a shot 😂
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on