Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

Make new friends? bro out of what?

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

the zen of frog

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

My current situation

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?