Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity