HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
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“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
you gotta be faster
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.