HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
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Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
bout dat hot dog summer
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
wish me luck lads
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Would you wear it?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me: