HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
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Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
The struggle is real.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.