HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
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Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Well, my evening plans are ruined
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
the #horror is real!
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.