Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
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Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.