Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
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Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no