Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

called in thicc to work this morning

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.