Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

Doctors texting each other.

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

me before I type out affect or effect

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

What

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired