Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

A great first step 😂

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.