Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
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My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish