Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

I have so many questions.

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’