Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
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he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
When you’ve simply given up.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.