Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
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My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Netflix: We have Less
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible