Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
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Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*