Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
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Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
😩😩😩
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine