Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

My time has come.

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

Me when I hear gossip

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.