Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

dictator is short for richard potato

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean