Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

Terribly Tuesday.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

ㅤ

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.