Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

Dog: I will guard you with my life!

Cat: What was your name again?

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

just witnessed a drug deal

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.