Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.

Somebody tell her, I can’t.

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

The honesty is refreshing

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.