Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

when a toddler tells a story

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.