Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
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Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering, where you hold an object in your hands for a minute and if it doesn’t bring you any joy you say goodbye.
So far I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the hoover, and a pile of ironing…
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.