Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
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Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said