Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure