HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
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One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
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The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”