Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.