Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

Finally!

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

They’re stuck in your pants?

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

🔥🔥

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”