Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

Dyslexics are teople poo!

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.