Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
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If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.