Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
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Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
⚰
gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…