Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

#StillHurts

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive

Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops