Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
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Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.