Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
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When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
nobody’s gonna understand
Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.