Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
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Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON