Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
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Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
*has no idea what a book even is*
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
We need to put an American base on the sun
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy