her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
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[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”