her: my parents are gone 馃槈
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I鈥檓 allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year鈥檚 resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced 拢149.99.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Salesperson: Hi ma鈥檃m can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
#parenting
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I鈥檓 a blacksmith again.
I鈥檓 sorry what now?!