Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”

She: “Halloween mode?”

He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”

#Halloween #RubbishJokes

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

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Me: Same.