her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
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My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
My Guy
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”