her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
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Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
TRAIN’S HERE
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Lmao
