Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.