her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
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Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
This meal prepping shit easy
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Just me and my debit card against the world
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Not my job 😂
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me: