Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

Food gives you energy to nap more.

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

this is 10/10 content no notes

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!