HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
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Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.