HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
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At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Just got to our Airbnb!
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
That time Alicia messaged me
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames