Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
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I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Spell check is for lasers.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.