Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??