…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
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JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.