…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

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Ben Carson’s book includes a story about single-handedly halting a bear attack during a school camping trip


Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.


I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.


A scientist said that fish will evolve into “flish” & will be able to fly. Now I can’t stop thinking about “flarks, flhales & flea horses.”


*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?


I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.


What the hell Hollywood? I’ve never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it’s blood.