There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
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“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
The eighth habit of highly effective people.
[driving car off a cliff]
Me: Haha 2019 does have flying cars
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Y’all keep saying Columbus was a bad dude and he shouldn’t had a day, but y’all need to shut up because I like getting mattresses on sale
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.