@notfaizzy

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

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@crushingbort

Ben Carson’s book includes a story about single-handedly halting a bear attack during a school camping trip

@longwall26

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

@hunz74

A scientist said that fish will evolve into “flish” & will be able to fly. Now I can’t stop thinking about “flarks, flhales & flea horses.”

@TheAlexNevil

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

@HoldinCoffeeld

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

@sgothreau

What the hell Hollywood? I’ve never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it’s blood.