…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

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There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house


[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?


Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING


[driving car off a cliff]

Me: Haha 2019 does have flying cars


Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!


Y’all keep saying Columbus was a bad dude and he shouldn’t had a day, but y’all need to shut up because I like getting mattresses on sale


[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.


I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.