@notfaizzy

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

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@shawnhitch22

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

@ShortSleeveSuit

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

@sofarrsogud

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

@super_morgasm

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

@TheOneTrueDisco

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@RodLacroix

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

@dishs_up

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

@jctwritesstuff

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

@Bandersnaaatch

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.