HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
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(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
LOL
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Saint West, the patron of selfies
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.