Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a headline like this

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER