HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
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App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.