Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

2024 has been a rough few years

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s