HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
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Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat