Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

Shower sex be like:

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/EAlzqweW4AIIoK7.mp4

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*