Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
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No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?