Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
You Might Also Like
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I’m sorry…what?
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Erm I’m gonna say no
