Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

found my next D&D character name

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir