HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
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I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
they really wanted me dead for this
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
mechanics be like
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.