Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
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I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
nyc:
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.