Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
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“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off