Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
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If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
5 ways to appear taller
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??