Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
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Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”