Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
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“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning